When Communication Skills Are Not Enough: Looking Beneath the Relationship

By Dr Darleen Barton (hc), Founder and Principal Senior Consultant, DIPAC & Associates

Couples often arrive in my counselling room believing they have a communication problem, and wondering why they keep having the same argument in a relationship that still matters to them.

Communication may well need attention. But after many years of working with couples, I have learnt to listen for something else as well. I listen for what is being said, and I listen very carefully for what is not being said.

Behind anger there may be fear. Behind criticism there may be hurt. Behind withdrawal there may be overwhelm. And behind the person who appears controlling may be someone who has spent much of their life feeling unsafe or powerless.

None of this excuses harmful behaviour. Understanding where a behaviour comes from and taking responsibility for changing it are two different things. But if we only treat the surface, we can miss the very thing keeping a couple stuck.

The schema lurking in the muddy waters

When one or both partners bring a significant backstory into the room, I become very interested in what may be sitting underneath the relationship. There is often a schema lurking somewhere in the muddy waters of our psychology.

Schemas are deeply held emotional patterns and beliefs. They can develop through early experiences and go on shaping how we see ourselves, other people and relationships. They rarely announce themselves clearly. More often they arrive disguised as criticism, jealousy, perfectionism, withdrawal, people pleasing, control or an overwhelming need for reassurance.

Couples think they are fighting about sex, money, parenting, housework, a text message or someone’s tone of voice. Yet underneath the argument may be something much older. One person may be thinking, “Please don’t leave me.” The other may be thinking, “Please don’t overwhelm me.” Before long, two people who love each other are no longer responding only to each other. They are responding to years of experiences, beliefs and protective behaviours stirred up inside the relationship.

Your partner may trigger the wound without creating it

One of the most important things I explain to couples is this: your partner can trigger a wound without having created it.

That does not mean we blame childhood for everything, and it certainly does not excuse aggression, betrayal or emotional abuse. It means we become curious. Why did that comment hurt so much? Why do I panic when my partner asks for space? Why do I expect rejection even when my partner is trying to reassure me?

Sometimes the answer sits much further back than yesterday’s argument.

Seeing the whole picture, not pieces of two people

This matters a great deal within my 7 Steps to a Deeper Connection over 60 Days. The 7 Steps let us look at the relationship as a whole, and they also give me the chance to understand the two individuals who created it.

There is room for individual work during the 7 Steps and after them. Where possible, I believe that work is most valuable when it stays connected to the couples counselling process, because I want the whole picture. What happens inside him when she says that? What happens inside her when he shuts down? What belongs to the marriage today, and what belongs to experiences that existed long before it began?

This is not about deciding who is the problem. The objective is understanding.

Sometimes we need to look deeper

There are times during couples work when I begin to wonder whether something else is contributing. Perhaps one person has struggled their whole life with attention or emotional regulation and has never been assessed for ADHD. Perhaps there are longstanding social communication difficulties that raise questions about autism spectrum characteristics. Sometimes there are trauma responses or anxiety that would benefit from proper assessment.

This is not about sticking a label on somebody. Quite the opposite. A thoughtful psychological assessment can sometimes replace years of blame with understanding. Where it may help, we consider it as we move through the therapeutic process, involving our appropriately qualified clinical or forensic psychology professionals where required.

Not everyone grew up in a loving, safe, secure and nurturing home, so we move through those hoops carefully, with kindness and curiosity. A diagnosis should never become “Well, that’s just how I am.” It should help us ask, “Now that we understand this better, what can we do differently?”

Sometimes the individual work is the relationship work

People sometimes think individual counselling means stepping away from relationship counselling. It does not have to. Some of the most important relationship work happens when one partner begins to understand themselves differently. The person who always withdraws recognises what they are protecting themselves from. The person who pursues understands why distance creates such panic. The critical partner sees the fear or perfectionism underneath the criticism.

When one person changes their position in the dance, the relationship itself begins to change.

The relationship can become the classroom

Long-term relationships have an extraordinary way of finding the parts of us that remain unfinished. That can create enormous conflict. Handled well, it can also create enormous growth. Your partner is not responsible for repairing your childhood. But a loving partner can learn to understand your emotional world, become more compassionate and stop pressing known wounds. And you can do the same for them. That is where relationships move from blame to curiosity, from defensiveness to responsibility, and from conflict towards connection.

What I want couples to know

When you come into my counselling room, I am not only listening to the argument. I am listening to the history behind it, and sometimes most closely to what neither of you has been able to say yet.

Underneath some of the most difficult relationship behaviours are human beings who have been trying, sometimes for decades, to protect themselves in the only ways they knew how. Our work is not to shame them for that. It is to help them understand it, take responsibility for what needs to change, and develop healthier ways of connecting. The objective remains the same: to see the whole picture, not just pieces of two people.

Frequently asked questions

Why do we keep having the same argument?

Repeated arguments are rarely about the topic on the surface. Often each partner is reacting to an older pattern, such as a fear of being left or a fear of being overwhelmed. Couples counselling helps you notice what sits beneath the argument so the cycle can change.

What is a schema in couples counselling?

A schema is a deeply held emotional pattern or belief, usually formed through early experiences, that shapes how you see yourself, your partner and relationships. Schemas often appear disguised as criticism, withdrawal, jealousy or a constant need for reassurance.

Can my partner trigger something they did not cause?

Yes. A partner can touch an old wound without having created it. This is not about blaming the past or excusing hurtful behaviour. It is about becoming curious as to why a comment or a request for space lands so hard, so both of you can respond differently.

Do I need individual counselling as well as couples counselling?

Not always, but it can help. Individual sessions during or after the 7 Steps programme give one partner room to understand their own patterns while the work stays connected to the relationship. When one person changes, the relationship often changes too.

When might psychological assessment be suggested during couples work?

If one partner has struggled for years with attention, emotional regulation, social communication or trauma responses, assessment can sometimes replace blame with understanding. It is considered carefully, with your agreement, and involves our qualified clinical or forensic psychology professionals where required.

Where can I book couples counselling with DIPAC?

DIPAC is at Level 1, The Realm, National Circuit, Barton ACT 2600, with secure online sessions available across Australia. You can book an initial 45-minute session online, call (02) 6198 3423 or reach us through the contact page.