Sex, Money, Criticism, Resentment: Meet the Weeds That Can Take Over a Marriage

Earlier this year I wrote about the weeds that grow in a relationship when needs go unmet and conflict goes unrepaired. Today I want to show you what resentment in marriage looks like up close, because it rarely announces itself. It hides inside arguments about money, sex, parcels and bike rides.

Meet Ester and Ben.

Ester and Ben are both 41. They have two boys, Josh, 10, and Will, 7. Both work full-time in demanding executive roles. They are paying a mortgage, raising children, managing careers, running a household and trying to maintain a relationship somewhere in the middle of it all. Ester also supports an elderly parent. Ben contributes at home. He cooks a few nights a week, is involved with the boys, plays tennis and enjoys bike riding.

So, this is not a simple story about one person doing everything and the other doing nothing. It is a story about two people carrying different burdens, different memories and different resentments.

And that is where the weeds become interesting.

Ester’s weeds did not start yesterday

Ester carries resentment from much earlier in the relationship. Before they married, Ben was unfaithful. Later, there was a period where Ester felt Ben was overly flirtatious with a woman at work. There were also years when Ben was drinking too much and, in Ester’s experience, leaving her alone with two small children on multiple nights.

Those years mattered. Ester remembers carrying the family while Ben still had access to freedom. Life has changed considerably since then, but the emotional memory has not.

So, when Ben goes bike riding now, Ester may not simply see a man going for a ride. She may feel something older. Once again, you get to leave and I am left carrying everything.

That is the root. Not the bicycle.

Then there is money

Ben is careful with money, and Ester experiences him at times as critical of her spending. Ben sees regular Amazon parcels arriving at the door and worries. He may think, we have a mortgage, children and responsibilities, why are we spending money unnecessarily? Ester may hear, you do not trust me, you think I am irresponsible.

And another weed appears. Money. Though underneath money may be control, security, trust, autonomy, respect and fear.

Ben has old wounds too

Ben carries resentment from the early parenting years. When Josh was born, Ben remembers Ester relying heavily on her mother. He did not feel trusted to care for his own child and remembers feeling pushed to the side. Ester may have experienced her mother as safety and reassurance at a vulnerable time. Ben experienced it as, you trust your mother with our baby more than you trust me.

That wound can sit quietly for years. So when Ester now says, you never take enough responsibility, Ben may not only hear the words being spoken today. He may hear, you have never been good enough as a father or partner. The current argument may be standing on top of a ten-year-old injury.

Then intimacy enters the room

Ben says they have not been sexually intimate for months. He feels Ester no longer desires him, and that is painful. He wants to feel wanted by his wife.

Ester sees it differently. She says Ben lacks romance. She does not feel that he chooses time with her, does not feel pursued and does not feel prioritised.

So, Ben is thinking, why does my wife not want me anymore? While Ester is thinking, why would I feel desire when I do not feel emotionally chosen? Neither statement is the whole truth. Both tell us something important.

The argument you are having is rarely the one you are in

Look at their weeds list. Criticism. Resentment. Infidelity. Trust. Alcohol. Mental load. Parenting. Money. Control. Rejection. Feeling undesirable, unappreciated, mistrusted, taken for granted. Not feeling like a priority. Loneliness.

And this is where couples often make mistakes. They argue about today’s weed while ignoring the root system underneath it.

Ester says that you always find time for yourself. Ben hears criticism. Ben says, another Amazon parcel? Ester hears judgement and control. Ben raises the lack of sex. Ester hears pressure. Ester asks for more romance. Ben hears another example of what he is doing wrong.

And around they go.

What are they really saying?

Underneath Ester’s anger may be, I remember a time when I did not feel safe or prioritised in this relationship, and sometimes I still feel that way.

Underneath Ben’s defensiveness may be, I have spent years feeling that you do not completely trust me.

Underneath Ester’s exhaustion with the mental load may be, I am tired of being the person who notices everything. Underneath Ben’s worry about money may be, I need to feel financially secure and that we are working towards the same goals.

Underneath Ben’s concern about sex may be, I want to know that you still desire me. And underneath Ester’s loss of desire may be, I need to feel chosen outside the bedroom before I can feel close inside it.

Now we have something meaningful to work with.

This is why I ask couples to know their weeds

Your partner is not the weed. Ester is not the problem. Ben is not the problem. The patterns that have grown between them are the problem, and some were planted years ago.

Couples counselling is not simply about stopping an argument. It is about understanding why the same argument keeps returning in different clothing. The fight about money may really be about trust. The fight about bike riding may be about abandonment. The fight about parenting may be about competence. The fight about sex may be about rejection.

Old weeds do not disappear because you stop talking about them. Time does not automatically repair betrayal, remove resentment or restore trust. Sometimes couples simply become very good at functioning around unresolved pain. They work, raise children, pay the mortgage, go to bed beside each other, and gradually become less emotionally connected.

This is why meaningful relationship work takes time. You would not go to the gym three times and expect years of poor conditioning to disappear. Marriage is no different. Change takes repetition. Repair takes consistency. Trust takes time. That thinking sits behind my 7-Step Couples Counselling Programme, a structured way to do that work over time rather than in one heated conversation at home.

Sometimes the question is not, do we still love each other? The better question is, can we identify what has been growing between us, and are we both willing to do something about it? Because sometimes the marriage is not dead. The garden is simply overgrown.

Frequently asked questions

Ester and Ben are a fictionalised composite created to illustrate common patterns encountered in couples counselling. They do not represent an individual client or couple.