Embracing the Adventure: Navigating the Journey of Growing Families

As a seasoned couple’s /family counsellor and a mother of three grown daughters, as well as a grandmother of eight wonderful grandchildren, I’ve been blessed with the privilege of witnessing the beautiful yet challenging journey of parenthood. From sleepless nights to joyous milestones, each step along the way has its own set of triumphs and tribulations. Today, I wish to share some insights gleaned from my experiences as a Counselling therapist, a daughter, wife, mother and grandmother with the hope of providing support and guidance to fellow mums and dads on this incredible adventure.

One aspect that often stands out in the journey of parenthood, particularly with the arrival of a second child, is the profound impact it can have on a couple’s relationship. The responsibilities multiply, and the stressors abound, leading to heightened tension and strain. From the exhaustion of caring for both a newborn and a toddler to the dwindling of one’s sex drive, the challenges can feel overwhelming at times.

I vividly recall the days when medical professionals would address me, as the mother, during appointments for our children, seemingly overlooking the presence of my husband in the room. It was a reflection of the societal norms of the time, where mothers were expected to bear the full responsibility of their child’s care, while fathers took on the role of provider. I am very happy to say, “my husband never missed a beat when we were having our babies” he come from a family of eleven children, he knew exactly who he needed to “be” and what he needed to “do” to be a team member of our family. Thank goodness because in the beginning I was anxious and afraid, I needed his emotional and physical support. Sadly, many of my friends back in the 80’s and 90’s did not have progressive husbands and they really struggled.

However, times have changed, and I’m heartened to see more dads actively involved in parenting duties, from attending medical appointments to taking on household tasks.

In today’s fast-paced world, where both parents often juggle careers and childcare responsibilities, the concept of family as a team effort has never been more relevant. Each member plays a vital role in the upbringing of children, and it’s essential to recognise and appreciate the contributions of both parents.

However, amidst the joys of parenthood, there are also numerous stressors that couples may encounter along the way. From shifts in identity to time constraints and financial worries, the journey of growing families can test even the strongest of bonds. Yet, with patience, communication, and mutual support, couples can navigate these challenges and emerge stronger together.

Here are ten common stressors that couples may face on their journey of growing families:

  1. Increased Responsibilities: Balancing the demands of caring for multiple children can lead to conflicts over parenting styles and division of responsibilities.
  2. Shift in Identity: The transition from a couple to a family of four can alter the dynamics of the relationship, requiring adjustments and compromises.
  3. Toddler Dynamics: The arrival of a new sibling can trigger jealousy and disruptions in routines, adding strain to the relationship.
  4. Diminished Sex Drive: The physical and emotional exhaustion of parenting can impact one’s libido, leading to intimacy issues within the relationship.
  5. Limited Time for Couple Activities: Finding time for quality time together becomes challenging amidst the demands of childcare and household chores.
  6. Waning Novelty: The novelty of parenthood may fade with the arrival of a second child, leading to feelings of fatigue and resentment.
  7. Time Constraints: Juggling childcare and work responsibilities leaves little time for personal pursuits or relaxation.
  8. Shifting Priorities: Balancing parental duties, work commitments, and personal interests can strain the relationship.
  9. Increased Organisational Burden: Managing schedules, appointments, and household tasks can lead to feelings of overwhelm and resentment.
  10. Financial Strain: The costs associated with raising children, from childcare expenses to education costs, can add stress to the relationship.

Despite these challenges, there are steps couples can take to strengthen their relationship and navigate this journey together:

  • Communication: Make time for open and honest conversations about your feelings and needs.
  • Prioritise Intimacy & Romance: Reconnect with your partner through small gestures of affection and kindness.
  • Support Each Other: Show appreciation for your partner’s contributions and offer assistance whenever possible. Note to dad… your partner’s body has gone through a war to give birth. You may need you to be more understanding, tender and nurturing toward her. There are a lot of chemical forces at play in a women’s body she may need your help- How to support your wife or partner after birth – Today’s Parent (todaysparent.com)
  • Seek Outside Help: Consider couples counselling or therapy to address underlying issues and develop coping strategies.
  • Adjust Expectations: Accept that parenthood is inherently chaotic and be flexible in your approach.
  • Learn about Yourself: Take time to reflect on your own habits and behaviours, and be willing to adapt and grow as needed. Learning the skill of Self-management is so important.

While the path of growing families may be challenging, it’s also incredibly rewarding. By facing these challenges together with patience, empathy, and mutual support, couples can emerge from this journey stronger and more connected than ever before. Remember, you are not alone in this adventure, and with love and dedication, you can weather any storm that comes your way.

Tip: If you have a kind and supportive extended family, ask for their help from time to time.

Punitive parenting does not work, it makes angry men and anxious women

Dr. Shefali Tsabary is a clinical psychologist and author known for her revolutionary approach to parenting. Her philosophy, often referred to as “conscious parenting,” emphasises the importance of self-awareness and mindfulness in raising children. Some key takeaways from Dr. Shefali’s parenting theory include:

1.    Mindfulness and Consciousness: Dr. Shefali emphasises the importance of parents being mindful and conscious in their interactions with their children. This involves being fully present in the moment and aware of one’s own thoughts, emotions, and reactions.

2.    Connection over Control: Rather than trying to control their children’s behaviour, Dr. Shefali encourages parents to focus on building a strong emotional connection with them. This connection forms the basis for healthy communication and mutual understanding.

3.    Empowering Children: Dr. Shefali believes in empowering children to express themselves authentically and make their own choices whenever appropriate. This approach fosters independence, self-confidence, and a sense of responsibility in children.

4.    Understanding Emotions: Instead of dismissing or suppressing their children’s emotions, Dr. Shefali encourages parents to validate and understand them. By acknowledging and accepting their children’s feelings, parents can help them develop emotional intelligence and resilience.

5.    Parental Self-Reflection: Dr. Shefali emphasises the importance of parents engaging in self-reflection and personal growth. This involves examining one’s own upbringing, beliefs, and patterns of behaviour that may impact their parenting style.

6.    Letting Go of Expectations: Dr. Shefali encourages parents to let go of rigid expectations and ideals about parenting and instead embrace the uniqueness of their children. This allows for greater acceptance, flexibility, and adaptability in the parent-child relationship.

7.    Presence over Perfection: Dr. Shefali emphasises the importance of being a “present” parent rather than striving for perfection. This means accepting imperfections, learning from mistakes, and prioritising the quality of the parent-child bond over external measures of success.

Healing the Inner Child: Dr. Shefali emphasises the importance of addressing one’s own unresolved issues and traumas before becoming a parent, or as soon as possible afterward. She believes that by healing the inner child within ourselves, we can break the cycle of repeating past mistakes and patterns in our parenting. This process of self-healing enables parents to approach their role with greater empathy, understanding, and emotional maturity, leading to healthier relationships with their children. Punitive measures should never be a parenting style, as this demonstrates a lack of awareness of self and a need for healing the inner child of the parent.

Overall, Dr. Shefali’s parenting theory advocates for a mindful, compassionate, and empowering approach to raising children, with an emphasis on self-awareness, connection, and personal growth for both parents and children. Punitive measures should never be a parenting style, this demonstrates a lack of awareness of self and a need for healing the inner child of the parent.