“Give me Identity, Belonging, Sex, Eroticism, Safety and Mystery”

Why does good sex often fade even for those couples who continue to love each other deeply?

Why do we think by having affairs or a verity of partners we will feel fulfilled and happy?

Why does good sex not guarantee intimacy?

Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex contrary to popular belief?

Can we be wanting what is right in front of us?

Why is the forbidden so erotic?

Why does sex make babies and spells intimacy & sexual disaster for a lot of couples?

When you really love someone how does it feel? And when you desire how does that feel different?

Is it a question of Romanticism verses Desire?

Is sex about pleasure and connection rooted in desire?

Why does desire and connection break down over time in long term relationships?

Maintaining desire and connection in a long-term relationship fundamentally comes down to two human needs…

  1. Security & Predictability   Reliability & Permanence these are the grounding experiences we call HOME
  2. We as men and women have a strong need for security and adventure in the one relationship. We want novelty, mystery and adventure with our partner, we want passion.

Tip: When you are dating you use your imagination, it is thrilling and there is an element of anticipation and surprise. When couples lose the element of imagination and surprise we say, “no one is putting in any effort” Should your relationship be hard work?

Once upon a time marriage was an institution built for purpose, economic, social status, a succession, companionship for life.

Fast forward into the 21st Century we want more, we want love, desire, passion, security, a confidant, a passionate lover, a family and we live a lot longer.

Women now speak up about their needs in the bedroom and the boardroom. They have become louder, they have a voice, and they are told they can do and have it all.

This is the 1st generation where men are being required to be vulnerable and masculine all in the one sentence. Men are struggling to find their role in the modern relationship! Men are having an identity crisis leaving them unfulfilled, confused and feeling like a failure.

We have moved away from the traditional model where we had a general idea of our role in the relationship, to now where everyone is making it up for themselves. We find ourselves living a solo life inside a committed relationship. We are failing to bond that’s the the deeper level of connection

But what do we want? We are saying “Give me Identity, Belonging, Sex, Eroticism, Safety and Mystery” BUT there is no road map, and we are not communicating well.

You have not been 30 something before, you have not had a career before, you have not been married before and you have not had children before and all at the same time. This is all new for you, be kind to yourselves.

What is the relationship between love and desire?  You have love, you want desire…. And desire requires imagination and effort!

Tip: There is no neediness in desire, no one is parenting the other either. If you find yourself crossing over into other roles such as a “parenting style of communication” with your partner…You will be squashing any desire from coming your way.

Wanting is a turn on, neediness is a shut down?

Successful long-term relationships are built on a “Serve & Return” model, there is no selfishness in successful long-term relationships. There is no “I” it’s always “we” Couples who last the test of time and remain in love desiring one another, they have had continuous open, respectful communication there is no yelling, name calling or swearing at their partner. They have learned that resentment will also build contempt, drowning out any love, leaving nothing but bitterness toward each other over time.

Tip: If one person in the relationship occasionally exhibits elicit behaviours such as, drug abuse or over drinking. The other person will eventually hold it against them, leaving little room for love and desire.

It’s no new revelation to most of you when I say we live in an “instant gratification” world. But it maybe new news when I say, “There is no escalator in relationships, we need to take the stairs” Relationships take work and most of all it takes education, patience, persistence, loyalty all whilst maintaining the dance of connection and bonding over time.

Couples counselling therapy is really just getting into a room with a professional who may have something to help you climb those stairs with strength and momentum, peak to peak.

After all we are all just making our way through life, if there is help available, we should access it, whatever that is.